and God spoke

Actually, this is a post from June 9, 2010

It’s been a very long time since I’ve blogged. I’ve going through the difficult process of being torn down to be built back up again whole. It’s made me a bit reclusive. I’ve never understood what it meant to surrender to something bigger than yourself. What does that mean anyway?

Through my new growth and spiritual quest, I have had to take a look at many areas of my life and figure out what needed changing.

It came to my attention also that there was something my life that was not what it should be. I’ve actually known this for many years but to face it again made feel just so tired. I meditated on this. I prayed for guidance. The guidance I received was very confusing to me. I heard ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and ‘maybe’. I was so frustrated and confused and felt like I wasn’t being given the guidance that I ‘wanted’. I found myself on a roller coaster of emotions culminating with me sobbing on the floor of my closet not understanding which way to go.

Very early before dawn this morning, I discovered something that was not altogether shocking but made things even worse. I’ve known this thing for a very long time but did not want to face it, did not want to acknowledge it…again, because I had grown very weary of it and quite ambivalent. I had become quite good at ignoring the 800-pound gorilla if you know what I mean. It’s ugly, but the truth needed to be faced.

Again, I found myself changing my mind over and over.

I went through my morning routine and work in a fog. I was tired. I felt broken. I couldn’t do this anymore. I felt like there were pieces of me scattered around.

After I was done working, I went and sat in my room and prayed. I asked God to please take this. I told God that my will was to do his will but that I need to know what that is. I started to say “I won’t ask why”…but I stopped myself and said, “okay, I will probably ask why, but I will do whatever you ask of me. Please take the wheel.” I didn’t expect an answer. But suddenly my whole being was filled up with a presence, and a soft firm voice in my head said to me “I will lead you.” And tears streamed down my face, because I realized that this was the Big Guy, the Universe, the Everything (or whatever you call it), God. It was a beautiful voice and presence so loving and powerful, I cannot put into words. And the miracle is that it was inside me, part of me…I’m still processing.

I still do not understand it all. I do know that the process of breaking me down was to bring me to this moment in time where I would finally allow God back into my life.

Spiritual clarity....

I had a very eye-opening weekend almost a week ago, and I’m having a difficult time putting it in words. I guess the best way I can word is to say that I felt totally connected with spirit, and I have an awareness that I had not previously known before.

I have been on the precipice of a fairly big decision for a while now, and it’s something that has been very difficult, because it will affect not only myself, but also my family a great deal. I went back and forth, “knowing” what it is I need to do, but doubting my ability and resolve to do it. I also have most of my family and friends behind me on this decision. Not only that, but my schedule just fell into place that would greatly help me with this. Many other signals that what was happening now was very negative and that I need to move forward for the benefit of my family. Everything just seems to be falling into place for that decision. It felt right.

Despite all this, I had ‘fear’ about this decision. Most of this fear revolves around what “other people” might think or say. How do I explain to them? Try as I might, I do still care what other people think (sometimes)…something I am working on.

Then, something very powerful happened on Saturday. I’m not going to go into I this venue, but I finally got it loud and clear what it is I need to do. It came from within me and outside of me. Total clarity. My friends who understand spirituality the way I do will maybe understand what I am saying. I know this is right with my whole being and that whatever self-doubt I have I need to brush aside for this along with any of the outside influence that might object. I feel I have to listen to this.

In fact, just the other day, someone asked me if maybe I should hold off on this for a while. I told them how can I deny that this anymore? The message is so clear. I can no longer ignore this.

This experience has opened up a whole new spiritual awareness for me, and I feel energized and very connected at this moment. Listening to my intuition has always been difficult for me, but I think this is a huge step forward for me in recognizing the difference between intuition and fear.  I thank my friends and family for holding my hand along the way :)

Hard day

Today marks 3 months since dad passed away. I woke at about 1 a.m. with a feeling of dread. Today has been really hard. The weather today is cold and rainy, and I realized that I don’t remember what the weather was like July 21. I don’t remember a lot about that time. I spent much of the day fighting back the sadness that is threatening to take over. I would like to write much more in depth, but this is all I have in me today. I miss you dad.

Tomatoes and Other Perishable Things

Sunday, August 30, 2009

So this is the 3rd night in a row (I know, can’t hardly believe it myself) that I’ve made dinner from scratch. I had a bag of vegetables (tomatoes and cucumbers) from my parent’s garden. I love tomatoes…so did dad. Dad worked very hard in that garden up until a couple of weeks before he passed.

Every summer for many years, I’ve waited impatiently for dad’s tomatoes to ripen. He grew the best tomatoes (in my opinion). This fall will be the last of them, the ones that dad grew anyway. About a week ago, I ate the last cookie that he had made (after retirement, dad started baking). Soon, there will be a lot of firsts…the first holidays without dad, the first milestones that he won’t be here for.

As I cut into the tomatoes this afternoon, I tried to relish each bite that I stole while making dinner, and watched as the seeds and juice spilled out onto the cutting board not wanting to waste any of it now.

Beautiful Day

Today, I woke up with this glorious feeling that everything is going to be alright now. The weather was perfect for me, 60 degrees with a slight breeze and wispy clouds. Just beautiful. The feeling that fall, my favorite season, is on the way. I went for a drive as I often do, and I couldn’t shake this feeling that the past couple of years of a most difficult time were over and that this was the beginning of something new and brighter. All of the burdens of my dad’s illness, Matt’s dad’s illness, the flood, and so much more felt lifted.

Then, of course, I felt guilt for feeling this way. And I tried to search for what would be the cause of this guilt. It wasn’t guilt about not getting to say goodbye to my dad and father-in-law. I made sure over the past 2 years that I said all I felt I needed to say to my dad. I spent the past few weeks of his life taking care of him and knowing I did not have any loose ends to tie up there. I got the chance to say goodbye to my father-in-law the day before he past, and it was one of the most beautiful experiences.

So why guilt? And I discovered the reason I felt guilty was because I didn’t feel “bad.” I felt relieved. I searched deeper inside of myself. Mind you, I was driving, so too deep of soul-searching could be hazardous. But, a place very deep inside me whispered that guilt is a useless emotion. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel relieved that it’s all over, that, maybe, finally, a dark cloud is lifting. Relief. It’s okay to enjoy the new day set before me. It’s okay to have a moment of deep sadness and then soon after that a moment of joy.

I just have a feeling that there are much bigger things ahead for me and probably brighter too. I know the sadness is going to return, and probably frequently, but I’m not afraid of it.