Beautiful Day

Today, I woke up with this glorious feeling that everything is going to be alright now. The weather was perfect for me, 60 degrees with a slight breeze and wispy clouds. Just beautiful. The feeling that fall, my favorite season, is on the way. I went for a drive as I often do, and I couldn’t shake this feeling that the past couple of years of a most difficult time were over and that this was the beginning of something new and brighter. All of the burdens of my dad’s illness, Matt’s dad’s illness, the flood, and so much more felt lifted.

Then, of course, I felt guilt for feeling this way. And I tried to search for what would be the cause of this guilt. It wasn’t guilt about not getting to say goodbye to my dad and father-in-law. I made sure over the past 2 years that I said all I felt I needed to say to my dad. I spent the past few weeks of his life taking care of him and knowing I did not have any loose ends to tie up there. I got the chance to say goodbye to my father-in-law the day before he past, and it was one of the most beautiful experiences.

So why guilt? And I discovered the reason I felt guilty was because I didn’t feel “bad.” I felt relieved. I searched deeper inside of myself. Mind you, I was driving, so too deep of soul-searching could be hazardous. But, a place very deep inside me whispered that guilt is a useless emotion. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel relieved that it’s all over, that, maybe, finally, a dark cloud is lifting. Relief. It’s okay to enjoy the new day set before me. It’s okay to have a moment of deep sadness and then soon after that a moment of joy.

I just have a feeling that there are much bigger things ahead for me and probably brighter too. I know the sadness is going to return, and probably frequently, but I’m not afraid of it.