Living Fearlessly

Throughout my journey the past couple of years, one of my main obstacles has been fear.  I used to have many fears.  Now I have only a couple of fears left that are in my awareness.  Probably my biggest fear right now (and the one that is holding me back from really becoming my true self) is worrying about what other people think of me, especially that they might think I’m “crazy” because of something I say or do.  At least, that is what I thought it was. 

Digging deeper, I find that it is really not that at all.  After all, I don’t care what people think of me if I don’t know them well or at all.  I can handle blank stares and rolling of the eyes from people who I am not close to.  It is those who I am close to that I fear alienating or having them disappear from my life because I have made them uncomfortable.  I sometimes become frustrated with myself, because, first of all, it has never happened.  Anyone who truly matters in my life is still by my side.  Secondly, if I embrace who I am and what I am here to do, the people who matter can either a) not think I’m crazy and stand beside me, b) think I’m crazy and stand beside me, or c) think I’m whacked and walk away :).  If it’s c, then I guess I need to learn to move on and give my energy to those who still stand beside me.

I have a couple of dear friends who I thank for helping me on this part of my journey.

I’m totally ready for this.  Of course, I haven’t been challenged on it yet :),  and that could be interesting, but I am ready.  

Question: What's your trick? Answer: Love :)

I've lost weight over the past 2 years...a lot...80 pounds and still going.  It was last winter that the people around me began to take notice.  I get asked a lot "how do you do it?" or "what's your trick?"  The answer I usually give is that I do not diet.  The real answer, though, is much more complex and yet very simple at the same time.  It took years and years of work and a lot of pain, but I finally did it.  The trick is:  I learned to love myself.  That's it.  That is all there is to it.  Yet, it is this one thing that can be so difficult for so many of us.

Loving ourselves should be as natural as breathing.  Throughout our lives, though, we are inundated with messages that being who we are is not good enough.  I lived most of my life wishing I was different until, over the past several years, I discovered how truly magnificent it is to be me.  You see, when I finally accepted and loved me for who I am, things just happened naturally.  I no longer feel the need to feed that 'empty' space.  I don't feel the need to medicate the pain away with food.  I simply use food for what it was intended...as fuel for my body.  No food is off limits ever.  I don't disparage myself when I might have had a little too much.  Those things are punishment.

When I opened up that door, I also began to remember and also find new things that I love to do, and that keeps me active.

And the emotional pain that I used to cover up with food...there is still pain and sadness now and then...I don't try to numb it  with food, avoid it with sleep, or try to force it to go away.  I don't try to over analyze it.  I just simply recognize it, feel it, and know it will pass eventually.  It is not fun, but it is far better than how I used to cope.

Loving self:  It is simple, yet the one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

Rain, How I Love Thee :)

Rain is my favorite weather event. It would take me all day to tell you all of the things I love about the rain, so I will just give a synopses.

I love that I can tell the rain is coming. I love that I can smell wet pavement an hour before the rain comes. The clouds roll in, announcing something very exciting is about to happen.

Rain is the universe's sweetest of lullabies. It rocks me gently to sleep and makes me want to stay under the covers in the morning.

Rain fills up all of our physical senses; the feel of the water falling softly on my skin and the wet grass between between my toes, the smell of wet grass, wet dirt, wet pavement; seeing the water washing away and making new; the sound of raindrops hitting the leaves, the roof, the sidewalk; and the taste of the raindrops on my tongue.

Rain is a spiritual event.  When was the last time you danced in the rain or splashed in a puddle?

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Last summer, I had a vision of 'me' as the person I wanted to be.  She was beautiful, radiant, glowing, and she was being who she wanted to be.  I held onto that vision since then and thought of myself as being that person who I saw.   Last Saturday morning, I woke up to get ready for a weekend workshop that I have been excited about for a while.  I took my shower, got dressed and started working on my hair and makeup.  That's when I looked into the mirror.  There she was....beautiful, radiant, glowing, just like in the vision only now manifest in physical.  I stared back at her, somewhat shocked.  Wow, I thought...I am actually becoming who I set out be over a year ago.  I took a picture, and it pretty well captured how I was feeling that morning (my new profile pic).  I normally shy away from the camera, but I just needed to see if what I saw in the mirror was a mirage.

It does make me a bit sad that I have spent so much of my time not liking who I saw in the mirror for so many years, but I plan to not dwell on that too much and keep moving forward.

Letting go and taking a leap of faith

A little over a year ago, I began this very transformational period in my life.  It had been knocking on my door so to speak for a much longer time, but it was just over a year ago that I feel I really began to 'wake up.'  Much has happened in both my physical life and spiritual life--too much to even begin to put in my little blog.  I have learned more about myself these past several months that I have in my entire life.

For the past couple months, I feel I am being called to act on this, called to actually do something with my new-found knowledge.  What exactly it will look like in the end, I do not know.  I have had the presence of Leopard and Black Panther who came to help me reclaim my power.  Now, my animus has been clearly come to me in my dreams to drive me to action.

I have had visions of myself doing the work I came here to do, but, as I said earlier, the exact nature of that work is still a bit foggy; so I asked that I be shown my open doors.  What came to me were a couple of paths to healing and energy work.  I selected the one that that I was most drawn too.  I am attending a shamanism workshop this weekend.

I really want to learn how to control my experiences more and have them last longer.  However, as I was reading the book that was recommended and what the class is based on, I began to wonder if this was such a good idea.  It mentioned having participants 'dance their power animal' and make up songs and sing them...plus a whole lot of other ritual.  Being a person who is not known for 'letting go' in front of others and also, in general, doing anything in front of a group of people, this scares the pants off of me.  I briefly thought about not showing up even though I have already paid my money (that would be the rabbit in me).  I began to think I had clearly made a mistake and should have selected the other workshop.

Then, I looked back at my life and all of the opportunities I had wasted and all of the challenges I had backed down from all because of this fear of worrying about what others think, and there is a sadness in that.  To not follow through would give me momentary relief of my anxieties but would also carry with it a much longer period of  regret of not following through.

So, I take up this challenge with a light heart (sorta) and a leap of faith.

Ghosts of Christmases Past, Present, and Future

12/17/2010

I’ve been reflecting on everything my family has been through over the past few years.  Things have changed so much, I hardly recognize myself. 

We tend to gravitate toward the familiar traditions around this time of year.  For instance, when I was growing up, Santa always came some night around Christmas (but not necessarily on Christmas) while our family went out to eat.  We kept this tradition with our own children, and, at least for this year, that won’t change. 

Of course, throughout our lives, we experience changes.  Things never remain the same, and that is just life.  Most of the changes (at least for me) have been happy ones such as additions to our family. 

Starting about 2 years ago, Christmas has seemed to come with a loss in our family.   The first was my father-in-law who passed away right before Christmas, and that is a Christmas that is even difficult for me to remember.  My own father passed away about 1-1/2 years ago.  Now, this year, my husband of 14 years and I have decided to part ways.  The family seems to be shrinking; and yet, I am not sad.  I think it is because I now know that anytime I need to talk to Chuck or dad, I know they are right here.  They haven’t really gone anywhere.  They have just made a transition.  And, even though my family is now split into 2 homes, I am at peace, and I am a happier person and have a lot more to offer the kids. 

Although these changes have been really difficult, they offer growth and can show us how much strength we really have.

Sure, this Christmas will feel very different (again), but I am going to try to embrace all of the changes and find all of the blessings surrounding me.

Have a beautiful Christmas and holiday season.

Love,

Angie

and God spoke

Actually, this is a post from June 9, 2010

It’s been a very long time since I’ve blogged. I’ve going through the difficult process of being torn down to be built back up again whole. It’s made me a bit reclusive. I’ve never understood what it meant to surrender to something bigger than yourself. What does that mean anyway?

Through my new growth and spiritual quest, I have had to take a look at many areas of my life and figure out what needed changing.

It came to my attention also that there was something my life that was not what it should be. I’ve actually known this for many years but to face it again made feel just so tired. I meditated on this. I prayed for guidance. The guidance I received was very confusing to me. I heard ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and ‘maybe’. I was so frustrated and confused and felt like I wasn’t being given the guidance that I ‘wanted’. I found myself on a roller coaster of emotions culminating with me sobbing on the floor of my closet not understanding which way to go.

Very early before dawn this morning, I discovered something that was not altogether shocking but made things even worse. I’ve known this thing for a very long time but did not want to face it, did not want to acknowledge it…again, because I had grown very weary of it and quite ambivalent. I had become quite good at ignoring the 800-pound gorilla if you know what I mean. It’s ugly, but the truth needed to be faced.

Again, I found myself changing my mind over and over.

I went through my morning routine and work in a fog. I was tired. I felt broken. I couldn’t do this anymore. I felt like there were pieces of me scattered around.

After I was done working, I went and sat in my room and prayed. I asked God to please take this. I told God that my will was to do his will but that I need to know what that is. I started to say “I won’t ask why”…but I stopped myself and said, “okay, I will probably ask why, but I will do whatever you ask of me. Please take the wheel.” I didn’t expect an answer. But suddenly my whole being was filled up with a presence, and a soft firm voice in my head said to me “I will lead you.” And tears streamed down my face, because I realized that this was the Big Guy, the Universe, the Everything (or whatever you call it), God. It was a beautiful voice and presence so loving and powerful, I cannot put into words. And the miracle is that it was inside me, part of me…I’m still processing.

I still do not understand it all. I do know that the process of breaking me down was to bring me to this moment in time where I would finally allow God back into my life.