Tomatoes and Other Perishable Things

Sunday, August 30, 2009

So this is the 3rd night in a row (I know, can’t hardly believe it myself) that I’ve made dinner from scratch. I had a bag of vegetables (tomatoes and cucumbers) from my parent’s garden. I love tomatoes…so did dad. Dad worked very hard in that garden up until a couple of weeks before he passed.

Every summer for many years, I’ve waited impatiently for dad’s tomatoes to ripen. He grew the best tomatoes (in my opinion). This fall will be the last of them, the ones that dad grew anyway. About a week ago, I ate the last cookie that he had made (after retirement, dad started baking). Soon, there will be a lot of firsts…the first holidays without dad, the first milestones that he won’t be here for.

As I cut into the tomatoes this afternoon, I tried to relish each bite that I stole while making dinner, and watched as the seeds and juice spilled out onto the cutting board not wanting to waste any of it now.

Beautiful Day

Today, I woke up with this glorious feeling that everything is going to be alright now. The weather was perfect for me, 60 degrees with a slight breeze and wispy clouds. Just beautiful. The feeling that fall, my favorite season, is on the way. I went for a drive as I often do, and I couldn’t shake this feeling that the past couple of years of a most difficult time were over and that this was the beginning of something new and brighter. All of the burdens of my dad’s illness, Matt’s dad’s illness, the flood, and so much more felt lifted.

Then, of course, I felt guilt for feeling this way. And I tried to search for what would be the cause of this guilt. It wasn’t guilt about not getting to say goodbye to my dad and father-in-law. I made sure over the past 2 years that I said all I felt I needed to say to my dad. I spent the past few weeks of his life taking care of him and knowing I did not have any loose ends to tie up there. I got the chance to say goodbye to my father-in-law the day before he past, and it was one of the most beautiful experiences.

So why guilt? And I discovered the reason I felt guilty was because I didn’t feel “bad.” I felt relieved. I searched deeper inside of myself. Mind you, I was driving, so too deep of soul-searching could be hazardous. But, a place very deep inside me whispered that guilt is a useless emotion. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel relieved that it’s all over, that, maybe, finally, a dark cloud is lifting. Relief. It’s okay to enjoy the new day set before me. It’s okay to have a moment of deep sadness and then soon after that a moment of joy.

I just have a feeling that there are much bigger things ahead for me and probably brighter too. I know the sadness is going to return, and probably frequently, but I’m not afraid of it.