Actually, this is a post from June 9, 2010
It’s been a very long time since I’ve blogged. I’ve going through the difficult process of being torn down to be built back up again whole. It’s made me a bit reclusive. I’ve never understood what it meant to surrender to something bigger than yourself. What does that mean anyway?
Through my new growth and spiritual quest, I have had to take a look at many areas of my life and figure out what needed changing.
It came to my attention also that there was something my life that was not what it should be. I’ve actually known this for many years but to face it again made feel just so tired. I meditated on this. I prayed for guidance. The guidance I received was very confusing to me. I heard ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and ‘maybe’. I was so frustrated and confused and felt like I wasn’t being given the guidance that I ‘wanted’. I found myself on a roller coaster of emotions culminating with me sobbing on the floor of my closet not understanding which way to go.
Very early before dawn this morning, I discovered something that was not altogether shocking but made things even worse. I’ve known this thing for a very long time but did not want to face it, did not want to acknowledge it…again, because I had grown very weary of it and quite ambivalent. I had become quite good at ignoring the 800-pound gorilla if you know what I mean. It’s ugly, but the truth needed to be faced.
Again, I found myself changing my mind over and over.
I went through my morning routine and work in a fog. I was tired. I felt broken. I couldn’t do this anymore. I felt like there were pieces of me scattered around.
After I was done working, I went and sat in my room and prayed. I asked God to please take this. I told God that my will was to do his will but that I need to know what that is. I started to say “I won’t ask why”…but I stopped myself and said, “okay, I will probably ask why, but I will do whatever you ask of me. Please take the wheel.” I didn’t expect an answer. But suddenly my whole being was filled up with a presence, and a soft firm voice in my head said to me “I will lead you.” And tears streamed down my face, because I realized that this was the Big Guy, the Universe, the Everything (or whatever you call it), God. It was a beautiful voice and presence so loving and powerful, I cannot put into words. And the miracle is that it was inside me, part of me…I’m still processing.
I still do not understand it all. I do know that the process of breaking me down was to bring me to this moment in time where I would finally allow God back into my life.
