Ghosts of Christmases Past, Present, and Future

12/17/2010

I’ve been reflecting on everything my family has been through over the past few years.  Things have changed so much, I hardly recognize myself. 

We tend to gravitate toward the familiar traditions around this time of year.  For instance, when I was growing up, Santa always came some night around Christmas (but not necessarily on Christmas) while our family went out to eat.  We kept this tradition with our own children, and, at least for this year, that won’t change. 

Of course, throughout our lives, we experience changes.  Things never remain the same, and that is just life.  Most of the changes (at least for me) have been happy ones such as additions to our family. 

Starting about 2 years ago, Christmas has seemed to come with a loss in our family.   The first was my father-in-law who passed away right before Christmas, and that is a Christmas that is even difficult for me to remember.  My own father passed away about 1-1/2 years ago.  Now, this year, my husband of 14 years and I have decided to part ways.  The family seems to be shrinking; and yet, I am not sad.  I think it is because I now know that anytime I need to talk to Chuck or dad, I know they are right here.  They haven’t really gone anywhere.  They have just made a transition.  And, even though my family is now split into 2 homes, I am at peace, and I am a happier person and have a lot more to offer the kids. 

Although these changes have been really difficult, they offer growth and can show us how much strength we really have.

Sure, this Christmas will feel very different (again), but I am going to try to embrace all of the changes and find all of the blessings surrounding me.

Have a beautiful Christmas and holiday season.

Love,

Angie

and God spoke

Actually, this is a post from June 9, 2010

It’s been a very long time since I’ve blogged. I’ve going through the difficult process of being torn down to be built back up again whole. It’s made me a bit reclusive. I’ve never understood what it meant to surrender to something bigger than yourself. What does that mean anyway?

Through my new growth and spiritual quest, I have had to take a look at many areas of my life and figure out what needed changing.

It came to my attention also that there was something my life that was not what it should be. I’ve actually known this for many years but to face it again made feel just so tired. I meditated on this. I prayed for guidance. The guidance I received was very confusing to me. I heard ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and ‘maybe’. I was so frustrated and confused and felt like I wasn’t being given the guidance that I ‘wanted’. I found myself on a roller coaster of emotions culminating with me sobbing on the floor of my closet not understanding which way to go.

Very early before dawn this morning, I discovered something that was not altogether shocking but made things even worse. I’ve known this thing for a very long time but did not want to face it, did not want to acknowledge it…again, because I had grown very weary of it and quite ambivalent. I had become quite good at ignoring the 800-pound gorilla if you know what I mean. It’s ugly, but the truth needed to be faced.

Again, I found myself changing my mind over and over.

I went through my morning routine and work in a fog. I was tired. I felt broken. I couldn’t do this anymore. I felt like there were pieces of me scattered around.

After I was done working, I went and sat in my room and prayed. I asked God to please take this. I told God that my will was to do his will but that I need to know what that is. I started to say “I won’t ask why”…but I stopped myself and said, “okay, I will probably ask why, but I will do whatever you ask of me. Please take the wheel.” I didn’t expect an answer. But suddenly my whole being was filled up with a presence, and a soft firm voice in my head said to me “I will lead you.” And tears streamed down my face, because I realized that this was the Big Guy, the Universe, the Everything (or whatever you call it), God. It was a beautiful voice and presence so loving and powerful, I cannot put into words. And the miracle is that it was inside me, part of me…I’m still processing.

I still do not understand it all. I do know that the process of breaking me down was to bring me to this moment in time where I would finally allow God back into my life.