My Human Experience

Solstice -- Finding Peace Again

2011-12-21T19:08:00.001-06:00

It has been months since I have blogged. Truth is, I just haven’t had the energy for it. There was a moment in time last spring...a time when I had knew who I was and had more confidence in myself than I had ever had before in my life. I had just spent an amazing year or so knowing mostly joy and love, and I felt I was ready to work on some things. So I said to myself last spring "I'm ready." Those words were like opening up Pandora's box. I've been spending most of my time and energy since then working on my inner demons, and it’s been one of the more difficult times in my life. All of my old “stuff” came back to haunt me….some of it long forgotten. It’s amazing what a little denial and repression can bring about. I slowly found myself losing my ability to enjoy some of the things that used to fill me up. There were a few moments when I thought I could go no further. Every time I thought I had something figured out, there was another thing just waiting I the wings to show itself to me. There were a few moments where it felt really dark. The anxiety and worry about things I had no control over took on a life of their own. It resulted in the loss of something I had spent much time worrying about losing. I found, though, that the loss, itself, hurt me far less than the worrying about losing it. It hurts for sure…it just wasn’t the monster I thought it to be. In fact, it was my worrying about losing it that caused the loss. Funny how that works. I found my inner peace this morning looking up at the waning crescent moon. ..the peace that had been eluding me since last spring. I’m okay :)

Hate: Please Think Before You Speak

2011-07-30T11:09:00.000-05:00

Making the decision to let go of my biggest fear last week seems to have lit a fire under me. I was flipping through the radio stations on my drive to La Crosse yesterday, and I paused briefly on a station broadcasting a church service, and what I heard affected me so deeply, I could hardly wait to sit down and write this. This country, this world has become increasingly rife with negativity and hate, and this is just one example of how the power of our words has great impact.

The pastor/priest was telling a story, and it started off sounding like it was going to be a cute, uplifting story. It went kind of like this:

“An old woman who doesn’t have enough money to buy food prays to God for help. She goes to the grocery store. A man (a known atheist) who does not know her sees her, and he pays for the groceries she needs. The woman, in tears, says “thank you God.” The man says to her “God didn’t pay for those groceries, I did.” The woman becomes really excited at that point and says “Thank you God! I knew you would come through for me, but I didn’t realize you would have the devil, himself, do it.”

I was flabbergasted. In a few short sentences, the leader of this church gave ‘permission’ to the congregation (by the roar of the laughter, there were several hundred) to hate someone who thought/believed differently than they; to think of them as evil…the devil. How very sad. How said it is that we humans have become so used to speech like this that it has become normal…even funny. How sad it is that leaders in our communities use their power to preach hatred. Think of how things could change if people just thought before they spoke.

When you are in a casual conversation with a friend, it is so easy to let words out that cut someone down, belittle someone. But think about the consequences. This has a ripple effect. The more we use negative language and hate, the easier it is to accept as just part of our daily lives, and we become complacent about making the change within ourselves to, instead, add the positive, more loving language/energy. Each of these directions has great power. Both hate language and love language have have that ripple effect and can add either positive energy to the world or negative. Which would you rather be a part of?

What is Unconditional Love?

2011-07-26T20:02:00.000-05:00

"Great Spirit, I was born to say, I Love You. Help remind me through the day that love should be my only goal, my only thought in what I do, and my only inspiration." - Cherokee Prayer

What is love?

I just wanted to share my understanding of what love is; not the emotional or romantic feelings that most people equate with that word, but the unconditional love that each one of us carries inside of us, the true expression of our souls. I hope I can find the words for what I wish to express here, because this is an important concept I am hoping to put across. The bulk of what I am saying, most of you have heard before from one place or another, but it is worth saying again.

What is unconditional love? It is love/compassion for all no matter what they have done or who they have become. Most religions that I have studied teach this concept in some way. It sounds like a simple concept and yet difficult for many to actually put into practice.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people express that they unconditionally love for all and then turn around and express fear and hatred toward others practically within the next breath. It is very easy to say we unconditionally love a family member or friend or neighbor whom we feel close to. It is easy to feel unconditional love for a victim. For most, though, it is quite a challenge to say we love someone who has killed, tortured, or hurt another in some way. It is another thing to express love toward someone who has hurt us deeply and yet still another thing to love ourselves unconditionally.

Through my own journey, I have come to realize that I had been living an illusion of separateness, the same illusion most of us live under. We are all connected to each other, to the Earth, and beyond this physical world…all of us. This connection binds us deeply to each other. We love one another unconditionally, because we all are ultimately one.

As far back as I can remember, I have always understood on some level the concept of unconditional love toward those who have gone astray but have not always practiced it. Yes, I love those who have murdered, tortured, hurt others, hurt myself. I do. Let this not be confused, though, with condoning behavior. That is something totally different. I love those who I differ in opinions with, those who I vehemently disagree with, those who I am angry with.

I find myself dismayed when I look at my Facebook wall and see hate spewed between classmates, friends, or family all because they disagree on a political point. There are many ways we can express ourselves and our differing opinions without personal attack, but it seems like that is the easier, though lower road, to travel. This, though, does seem to match the mood around the country lately and around the world.

I once asked during my meditation some time ago to be shown how to ‘be’ the unconditional love that I felt from that which is nonphysical. What I didn’t realize, however, was that I already was that which I was seeking. We all are. I just was not practicing it all of the time. I do my best every day to remember this and put it into practice. If I fail, I expect those who read this to call me on it :). This has been a long journey to get here. One of the reasons we are here is to uplift each other, so we can all become the very best of who we are.

P.S. If you’re reading this, I love you.

Living Fearlessly

2011-07-25T14:14:00.000-05:00

Throughout my journey the past couple of years, one of my main obstacles has been fear. I used to have many fears. Now I have only a couple of fears left that are in my awareness. Probably my biggest fear right now (and the one that is holding me back from really becoming my true self) is worrying about what other people think of me, especially that they might think I’m “crazy” because of something I say or do. At least, that is what I thought it was.

Digging deeper, I find that it is really not that at all. After all, I don’t care what people think of me if I don’t know them well or at all. I can handle blank stares and rolling of the eyes from people who I am not close to. It is those who I am close to that I fear alienating or having them disappear from my life because I have made them uncomfortable. I sometimes become frustrated with myself, because, first of all, it has never happened. Anyone who truly matters in my life is still by my side. Secondly, if I embrace who I am and what I am here to do, the people who matter can either a) not think I’m crazy and stand beside me, b) think I’m crazy and stand beside me, or c) think I’m whacked and walk away :). If it’s c, then I guess I need to learn to move on and give my energy to those who still stand beside me.

I have a couple of dear friends who I thank for helping me on this part of my journey.

I’m totally ready for this. Of course, I haven’t been challenged on it yet :), and that could be interesting, but I am ready.

Question: What's your trick? Answer: Love :)

2011-07-14T20:57:00.000-05:00

I've lost weight over the past 2 years...a lot...80 pounds and still going. It was last winter that the people around me began to take notice. I get asked a lot "how do you do it?" or "what's your trick?" The answer I usually give is that I do not diet. The real answer, though, is much more complex and yet very simple at the same time. It took years and years of work and a lot of pain, but I finally did it. The trick is: I learned to love myself. That's it. That is all there is to it. Yet, it is this one thing that can be so difficult for so many of us.

Loving ourselves should be as natural as breathing. Throughout our lives, though, we are inundated with messages that being who we are is not good enough. I lived most of my life wishing I was different until, over the past several years, I discovered how truly magnificent it is to be me. You see, when I finally accepted and loved me for who I am, things just happened naturally. I no longer feel the need to feed that 'empty' space. I don't feel the need to medicate the pain away with food. I simply use food for what it was intended...as fuel for my body. No food is off limits ever. I don't disparage myself when I might have had a little too much. Those things are punishment.

When I opened up that door, I also began to remember and also find new things that I love to do, and that keeps me active.

And the emotional pain that I used to cover up with food...there is still pain and sadness now and then...I don't try to numb it with food, avoid it with sleep, or try to force it to go away. I don't try to over analyze it. I just simply recognize it, feel it, and know it will pass eventually. It is not fun, but it is far better than how I used to cope.

Loving self: It is simple, yet the one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

Rain, How I Love Thee :)

2011-04-10T10:32:00.002-05:00

Rain is my favorite weather event. It would take me all day to tell you all of the things I love about the rain, so I will just give a synopses.

I love that I can tell the rain is coming. I love that I can smell wet pavement an hour before the rain comes. The clouds roll in, announcing something very exciting is about to happen.

Rain is the universe's sweetest of lullabies. It rocks me gently to sleep and makes me want to stay under the covers in the morning.

Rain fills up all of our physical senses; the feel of the water falling softly on my skin and the wet grass between between my toes, the smell of wet grass, wet dirt, wet pavement; seeing the water washing away and making new; the sound of raindrops hitting the leaves, the roof, the sidewalk; and the taste of the raindrops on my tongue.

Rain is a spiritual event. When was the last time you danced in the rain or splashed in a puddle?

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

2011-01-26T13:12:00.000-06:00

Last summer, I had a vision of 'me' as the person I wanted to be. She was beautiful, radiant, glowing, and she was being who she wanted to be. I held onto that vision since then and thought of myself as being that person who I saw. Last Saturday morning, I woke up to get ready for a weekend workshop that I have been excited about for a while. I took my shower, got dressed and started working on my hair and makeup. That's when I looked into the mirror. There she was....beautiful, radiant, glowing, just like in the vision only now manifest in physical. I stared back at her, somewhat shocked. Wow, I thought...I am actually becoming who I set out be over a year ago. I took a picture, and it pretty well captured how I was feeling that morning (my new profile pic). I normally shy away from the camera, but I just needed to see if what I saw in the mirror was a mirage.

It does make me a bit sad that I have spent so much of my time not liking who I saw in the mirror for so many years, but I plan to not dwell on that too much and keep moving forward.

Letting go and taking a leap of faith

2011-01-19T14:57:00.001-06:00

A little over a year ago, I began this very transformational period in my life. It had been knocking on my door so to speak for a much longer time, but it was just over a year ago that I feel I really began to 'wake up.' Much has happened in both my physical life and spiritual life--too much to even begin to put in my little blog. I have learned more about myself these past several months that I have in my entire life.

For the past couple months, I feel I am being called to act on this, called to actually do something with my new-found knowledge. What exactly it will look like in the end, I do not know. I have had the presence of Leopard and Black Panther who came to help me reclaim my power. Now, my animus has been clearly come to me in my dreams to drive me to action.

I have had visions of myself doing the work I came here to do, but, as I said earlier, the exact nature of that work is still a bit foggy; so I asked that I be shown my open doors. What came to me were a couple of paths to healing and energy work. I selected the one that that I was most drawn too. I am attending a shamanism workshop this weekend.

I really want to learn how to control my experiences more and have them last longer. However, as I was reading the book that was recommended and what the class is based on, I began to wonder if this was such a good idea. It mentioned having participants 'dance their power animal' and make up songs and sing them...plus a whole lot of other ritual. Being a person who is not known for 'letting go' in front of others and also, in general, doing anything in front of a group of people, this scares the pants off of me. I briefly thought about not showing up even though I have already paid my money (that would be the rabbit in me). I began to think I had clearly made a mistake and should have selected the other workshop.

Then, I looked back at my life and all of the opportunities I had wasted and all of the challenges I had backed down from all because of this fear of worrying about what others think, and there is a sadness in that. To not follow through would give me momentary relief of my anxieties but would also carry with it a much longer period of regret of not following through.

So, I take up this challenge with a light heart (sorta) and a leap of faith.

Ghosts of Christmases Past, Present, and Future

2010-12-17T21:01:00.000-06:00

12/17/2010

I’ve been reflecting on everything my family has been through over the past few years. Things have changed so much, I hardly recognize myself.

We tend to gravitate toward the familiar traditions around this time of year. For instance, when I was growing up, Santa always came some night around Christmas (but not necessarily on Christmas) while our family went out to eat. We kept this tradition with our own children, and, at least for this year, that won’t change.

Of course, throughout our lives, we experience changes. Things never remain the same, and that is just life. Most of the changes (at least for me) have been happy ones such as additions to our family.

Starting about 2 years ago, Christmas has seemed to come with a loss in our family. The first was my father-in-law who passed away right before Christmas, and that is a Christmas that is even difficult for me to remember. My own father passed away about 1-1/2 years ago. Now, this year, my husband of 14 years and I have decided to part ways. The family seems to be shrinking; and yet, I am not sad. I think it is because I now know that anytime I need to talk to Chuck or dad, I know they are right here. They haven’t really gone anywhere. They have just made a transition. And, even though my family is now split into 2 homes, I am at peace, and I am a happier person and have a lot more to offer the kids.

Although these changes have been really difficult, they offer growth and can show us how much strength we really have.

Sure, this Christmas will feel very different (again), but I am going to try to embrace all of the changes and find all of the blessings surrounding me.

Have a beautiful Christmas and holiday season.

Love,

Angie

and God spoke

2010-06-18T11:41:00.000-05:00

Actually, this is a post from June 9, 2010

It’s been a very long time since I’ve blogged. I’ve going through the difficult process of being torn down to be built back up again whole. It’s made me a bit reclusive. I’ve never understood what it meant to surrender to something bigger than yourself. What does that mean anyway?

Through my new growth and spiritual quest, I have had to take a look at many areas of my life and figure out what needed changing.

It came to my attention also that there was something my life that was not what it should be. I’ve actually known this for many years but to face it again made feel just so tired. I meditated on this. I prayed for guidance. The guidance I received was very confusing to me. I heard ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and ‘maybe’. I was so frustrated and confused and felt like I wasn’t being given the guidance that I ‘wanted’. I found myself on a roller coaster of emotions culminating with me sobbing on the floor of my closet not understanding which way to go.

Very early before dawn this morning, I discovered something that was not altogether shocking but made things even worse. I’ve known this thing for a very long time but did not want to face it, did not want to acknowledge it…again, because I had grown very weary of it and quite ambivalent. I had become quite good at ignoring the 800-pound gorilla if you know what I mean. It’s ugly, but the truth needed to be faced.

Again, I found myself changing my mind over and over.

I went through my morning routine and work in a fog. I was tired. I felt broken. I couldn’t do this anymore. I felt like there were pieces of me scattered around.

After I was done working, I went and sat in my room and prayed. I asked God to please take this. I told God that my will was to do his will but that I need to know what that is. I started to say “I won’t ask why”…but I stopped myself and said, “okay, I will probably ask why, but I will do whatever you ask of me. Please take the wheel.” I didn’t expect an answer. But suddenly my whole being was filled up with a presence, and a soft firm voice in my head said to me “I will lead you.” And tears streamed down my face, because I realized that this was the Big Guy, the Universe, the Everything (or whatever you call it), God. It was a beautiful voice and presence so loving and powerful, I cannot put into words. And the miracle is that it was inside me, part of me…I’m still processing.

I still do not understand it all. I do know that the process of breaking me down was to bring me to this moment in time where I would finally allow God back into my life.

Spiritual clarity....

2009-11-20T14:45:00.000-06:00

I had a very eye-opening weekend almost a week ago, and I’m having a difficult time putting it in words. I guess the best way I can word is to say that I felt totally connected with spirit, and I have an awareness that I had not previously known before.

I have been on the precipice of a fairly big decision for a while now, and it’s something that has been very difficult, because it will affect not only myself, but also my family a great deal. I went back and forth, “knowing” what it is I need to do, but doubting my ability and resolve to do it. I also have most of my family and friends behind me on this decision. Not only that, but my schedule just fell into place that would greatly help me with this. Many other signals that what was happening now was very negative and that I need to move forward for the benefit of my family. Everything just seems to be falling into place for that decision. It felt right.

Despite all this, I had ‘fear’ about this decision. Most of this fear revolves around what “other people” might think or say. How do I explain to them? Try as I might, I do still care what other people think (sometimes)…something I am working on.

Then, something very powerful happened on Saturday. I’m not going to go into I this venue, but I finally got it loud and clear what it is I need to do. It came from within me and outside of me. Total clarity. My friends who understand spirituality the way I do will maybe understand what I am saying. I know this is right with my whole being and that whatever self-doubt I have I need to brush aside for this along with any of the outside influence that might object. I feel I have to listen to this.

In fact, just the other day, someone asked me if maybe I should hold off on this for a while. I told them how can I deny that this anymore? The message is so clear. I can no longer ignore this.

This experience has opened up a whole new spiritual awareness for me, and I feel energized and very connected at this moment. Listening to my intuition has always been difficult for me, but I think this is a huge step forward for me in recognizing the difference between intuition and fear. I thank my friends and family for holding my hand along the way :)

Hard day

2009-10-21T19:54:00.001-05:00

Today marks 3 months since dad passed away. I woke at about 1 a.m. with a feeling of dread. Today has been really hard. The weather today is cold and rainy, and I realized that I don’t remember what the weather was like July 21. I don’t remember a lot about that time. I spent much of the day fighting back the sadness that is threatening to take over. I would like to write much more in depth, but this is all I have in me today. I miss you dad.

Tomatoes and Other Perishable Things

2009-08-30T17:15:00.000-05:00

Sunday, August 30, 2009

So this is the 3rd night in a row (I know, can’t hardly believe it myself) that I’ve made dinner from scratch. I had a bag of vegetables (tomatoes and cucumbers) from my parent’s garden. I love tomatoes…so did dad. Dad worked very hard in that garden up until a couple of weeks before he passed.

Every summer for many years, I’ve waited impatiently for dad’s tomatoes to ripen. He grew the best tomatoes (in my opinion). This fall will be the last of them, the ones that dad grew anyway. About a week ago, I ate the last cookie that he had made (after retirement, dad started baking). Soon, there will be a lot of firsts…the first holidays without dad, the first milestones that he won’t be here for.

As I cut into the tomatoes this afternoon, I tried to relish each bite that I stole while making dinner, and watched as the seeds and juice spilled out onto the cutting board not wanting to waste any of it now.

Beautiful Day

2009-08-29T15:45:00.000-05:00

Today, I woke up with this glorious feeling that everything is going to be alright now. The weather was perfect for me, 60 degrees with a slight breeze and wispy clouds. Just beautiful. The feeling that fall, my favorite season, is on the way. I went for a drive as I often do, and I couldn’t shake this feeling that the past couple of years of a most difficult time were over and that this was the beginning of something new and brighter. All of the burdens of my dad’s illness, Matt’s dad’s illness, the flood, and so much more felt lifted.

Then, of course, I felt guilt for feeling this way. And I tried to search for what would be the cause of this guilt. It wasn’t guilt about not getting to say goodbye to my dad and father-in-law. I made sure over the past 2 years that I said all I felt I needed to say to my dad. I spent the past few weeks of his life taking care of him and knowing I did not have any loose ends to tie up there. I got the chance to say goodbye to my father-in-law the day before he past, and it was one of the most beautiful experiences.

So why guilt? And I discovered the reason I felt guilty was because I didn’t feel “bad.” I felt relieved. I searched deeper inside of myself. Mind you, I was driving, so too deep of soul-searching could be hazardous. But, a place very deep inside me whispered that guilt is a useless emotion. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel relieved that it’s all over, that, maybe, finally, a dark cloud is lifting. Relief. It’s okay to enjoy the new day set before me. It’s okay to have a moment of deep sadness and then soon after that a moment of joy.

I just have a feeling that there are much bigger things ahead for me and probably brighter too. I know the sadness is going to return, and probably frequently, but I’m not afraid of it.